[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
You Might Also Like
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*