[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.