ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
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God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Explain it to me like I鈥檓 five then do it for me like I鈥檓 one hundred.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren鈥檛 keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you鈥檙e colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you鈥檙e going to obliterate the vibe.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 馃憥
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn鈥檛 realise they were for a baby.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
These 3D printers are insane!
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don鈥檛 know why.
Me: Aww, that鈥檚 cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
You know how sometimes you鈥檙e really into a song and you don鈥檛 know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That鈥檚 my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
new shirt idea
Our vision of Hell doesn鈥檛 come from the Bible; it鈥檚 a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?