Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
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Childbirth is so beautiful
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
📽️movie date🎞️
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
The Punning Dead.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U