me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
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Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.