me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Education is vital
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
figuring out my emotional availability:
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo