Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
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I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing