If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
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what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Message from the dog groomers
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market