Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
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I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.