Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
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Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
New favorite tiktok
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Good morning, Twitter x
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”