Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
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During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Confused owl: What?!
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you