ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
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This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
giddy up Office Depot
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.