Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
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My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
this makes me so uncomfortable
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Cucumbers Anonymous
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight