ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
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ACED my prostate exam!
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.