ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
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If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Battery falling down a hole