Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.