Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
You Might Also Like
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?