me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
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when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”