Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
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As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Good morning!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Do not steal food from the science building!
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it