Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.