If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
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I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Just a reminder, folks:
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no