*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
You Might Also Like
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.