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Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
The news
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.