me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
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“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My diet starts in January
of 2027
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.