Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
You Might Also Like
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.