Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
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guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this