my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Pizza is an emotion right?
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.