I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.