Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
What kind of a cult is this?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary