ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
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Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.