A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
You Might Also Like
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
#milo
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
📽️movie date🎞️
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”