Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
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Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.