[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.