Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
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god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
That time Alicia messaged me