When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
This kid will have a bright future.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.