ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Got him!
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
my astrological sign is a french fry
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.