Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
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In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere