ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
You Might Also Like
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?