ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
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If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
peak technology
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.