me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
i was baptized in a car wash
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us