me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
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Noah was an idiot.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.