me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
where do you see yourself in five years?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Twitter fine art
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face