Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
You Might Also Like
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
umm…
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Google reviews are always so mixed..
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
good let them take over I have had enough
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.