Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
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After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I feel it
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.