Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
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ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
“That’s what” – She
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.