Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally