me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
You Might Also Like
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.