me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
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Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they鈥檒l carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 馃槈
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
All my money goes to the poor鈥oor me.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today鈥檚 steps are coming from inside the casino.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am