Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language