What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Golf would be better with landmines.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
saw this in a dream
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.